A Modest Proposal For Wisconsin

By Brad Werntz
The Short Menu

In the course of this past year, every member of my family has donated one buttock each to the State of Wisconsin. While we each have one more buttock to give, I feel that unless we take a state-wide vote that’s independently counted by hand – on a paper ballot – we’ve given enough to the state without a truly representative legislative authority in the State Capitol.

Besides, we’re tired of eating our own buttocks. As much as the Fitzwalkers seem to hunger for them, we do need to hold our remaining buttocks back in reserve in case at some point in the future we enter a time of true, dire need. We may not have seen the worst of things, and a spare buttock or two may come in handy, yet.

It’s for this reason that I would like to make a modest proposal for Wisconsin. Note that as a vegetarian I don’t make this proposal lightly, but I feel that we’ve come to this point and we need to address realities.

It’s time we eat our legislators.

I don’t believe we need to eat all of them, mind you. We just need to eat some of them – perhaps just to get the point across that we’ll do it if we have to – and mostly we need to eat those intent on serving the rest of Wisconsin up to special interests. For the past year, our legislators have made laws that require us to eat our own; it’s high time we returned the favor. Turnabout IS fair play.

Besides, thanks to Jeffery Dahmer and Ed Gein, cannibalism is a fine Wisconsin state tradition. We should put our heritage to good use.

As I don’t advocate violence against any human, I’ll leave the particulars of harvesting these legislators over to others to decide. I’m open to any method, at this point. I’m good with anything from the sci-fi scenario – say something from “Soylent Green” or “Logan’s Run” – to perhaps an open lottery for permits. We could do it like an Arizona buffalo hunt, as shown in “Bless The Beasts & Children.” (Maybe we could get Rebecca Kleefisch to do the soundtrack.) I’m sure that some Wisconsin sportsmen would be more than up for this. We could even offer legislator harvest permits for those who want to hunt wolves. We could call it “earn a wolf”: Just take out a wolf in a suit and you can go for one with fur and fangs. For the sake of the squeamish among us, I’m also open to letting Temple Grandin work it out humanely.

The point is, it just doesn’t matter how we harvest our legislators, but we do need to decide how we cook them. As I haven’t regularly eaten meat in awhile, I’ve given this careful thought. What follows are some recipes and serving suggestions.

It’s not often you get beef and pork out of the same gene pool, but that’s what’s happened with the Brothers Fitzgerald. Jeff is all beefsteak, and Scott, well it goes without saying that he’s nothing if not pork and bacon. Between the two of them, they could feed a family of five for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, for a year. No question, a side of Fitzgerald in the freezer would mean a lot of grilling time, and that’s another fine Wisconsin tradition. What could be better on a fine Wisconsin summer day than a Fitzgerald burger for dinner? Who wouldn’t want to face a cold Wisconsin winter morning with some Fitzgerald bacon sizzling in a pan? The conservative in-laws coming to dinner? Serve them a Fitzgerald loin roast, with applesauce and roasted carrots.

Cooking Robin Vos would require special attention. Everything about the man says “haute cuisine” and “fancy cookin’.” I would expect Vos would have delicate flesh, somewhere between veal and quail in texture. He would be easy to over-cook. For this reason, he should be served with sauce – maybe sherry based – or perhaps he could be marinated, maybe even in beer. Also, there’s just something about Vos that just screams for truffle oil. Alternatively, we could serve him up with fava beans and a nice chianti.

I’m at a loss as to what to do with Grothman, Darling, and Ellis (Suder would make such a poor trophy and yield so little flesh it’s hardly worth the effort at processing him.) On the other hand, some people eat raccoon, possum, crow, and other scavengers. There are bound to be experts on country-cooking here in Wisconsin, and in one or two truckstops I’ve even seen road-kill cookbooks. There’s lots of things you can do with greasy meat, no doubt. We would need to get creative, or – on the other hand – we could just donate them as grist-meat to soup kitchens. Yes, there’s something fitting about that.

As for Scott Walker, it’s a challenge to figure out what to do with such a cheap cut of meat. Fortunately, Wisconsin is also known for our fine sausages. I say, let’s grind Walker up and turn him into hot dogs and brats. As he’s all but served the state of Wisconsin to the Koch brothers, let’s serve him up to the rank and file from hot dog carts around the Capitol Square, for $.50 a link. A Walker Weiner would go great with a fine local brew, some ketchup, and relish.

But in deference to the Mustard Museum, I wouldn’t serve him with mustard. No, I wouldn’t waste good mustard on Scott Walker.

Not one drop.

I don’t make this proposal lightly. Desperate times call for desperate measures. We’ve already proven in Wisconsin that we’re ready to sacrifice teachers, the poor, the sick, and our environment to special interests in the name of the “common good.” It’s time we take our sacrifices to the next level.

Who else is hungry? When do we eat?

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